Do You Have Toxic Tendencies?

Are you a toxic leader?

On this episode, we'll discuss the common characteristics of a toxic leader and what to do if you have some toxic tendencies in need of attention.

Website mentioned in this episode: NAMI.org 

Connect with host Jill Fowler on LinkedIn and Instagram.

This episode was brought to you by Songbird Leadership -- Amplify your organization's mission through outcome-based executive coaching, strategic planning, and capacity building.

Transcript

I’m your host, Jill Fowler of Songbird Leadership.

I belong to a few Facebook groups for people who work in the nonprofit sector, and I have seen an alarming trend of late—people posting questions for the group about how to best handle a toxic boss. Most of the comments on these posts are from people commiserating and sharing their own experiences of working for a toxic leader, with many giving the advice to leave the sector altogether. 

Now, it's a well-known issue that people are leaving the sector in droves for a variety of reasons, including burnout and low compensation, but the toxic leadership scenario is easily avoidable. And the grass isn’t always greener. There are toxic people in the public and private sectors, too, but I have never seen such a volume of complaints about toxicity as I have in these nonprofit social media groups. It was alarming.

I know my fair share of nonprofit leaders and, sure, some exhibit toxic traits from time to time. I also know that these same people really want to be effective in leading their team and their organization. They just lack some skills, and they either didn’t have the bandwidth for professional development or they’re blind to their need for it. 

So, what is a toxic leader and how do you know if you have some toxic tendencies in need of attention? Toxic leadership can be defined as behavior that harms employees, an organization, and its culture. These leaders act primarily in their own interests and have ineffective managerial skills. As a result, they are unable to motivate or develop their team, rendering them ineffective. 

To me, the primary tell of toxic leadership is a high turnover rate. Sure, some roles have naturally high attrition, but if your organization basically has a whole new staff roster every year, there’s obviously an issue and it’s time to ask why. Obviously, you’ll want to be introspective, but also seek the feedback of others—and then be open to their constructive perspectives. This feedback can come in the form of staff, board, or volunteer surveys, exit interviews, or peer reviews. Honestly, getting well-rounded feedback from a variety of stakeholders is your best bet, as it will help you see the full picture from a variety of diverse perspectives. Keep in mind that people may not feel comfortable giving feedback, even if it’s anonymous, especially if there are perceived leadership challenges, but getting a clear picture of the state of your organization from your team’s perspective is the best way to start.

Micromanagement is another common sign of toxic leadership. This behavior typically doesn’t come a place of malice. Usually, they are overloaded and the thought of taking the time to fully train someone is overwhelming. They feel they can do it faster or better, so they become heavily involved, sometimes even taking the task over completely. At the end of the day, we all know this isn’t sustainable. Teach a man to fish, right? Micromanaging behavior can also be fear based. They don’t trust others’ ability to do the job, so they must oversee every minute detail of a project. 

If you find yourself overly hands-on with your team’s responsibilities or hesitant to delegate, start by building trust. Get to know your team, their interests, and their abilities. Then, communicate clear expectations and goals, and encourage your team to act autonomously. Resist the urge to too frequently check in on their progress. Give them until the due date to complete the project. They may not approach it in the same way you do, but as long as things get done accurately and on time, why does it matter? 

This is going to feel uncomfortable at first, so start with a project you don’t have a strong personal connection to. Let it go, have faith in your team, and see what happens. Chances are, they’ll surprise you.

A lack of empathy is another trait of a toxic leader. If you’re a regular listener, you know that I feel strongly about empathy in leadership. Basically, a toxic leader will show little regard for their team’s well-being, personal needs or interests, or work/life balance. For them, it’s strictly business, all about the end goal, and there is no real relationship. They never put themselves in the shoes of their team members and are emotionally disconnected from the group. As a result, they can come across as cold or unfeeling, even if they don’t feel that way personally. 

People need to feel a connection with their leader. This helps them feel seen, heard, and valued, and it helps you guide them toward your vision. To become more empathetic, start by considering others’ perspectives and taking an interest in their workplace experience. Ask meaningful questions and then practice active listening when they respond. Reflect on your own emotions throughout the process and consider how they impact your interactions. Frankly, even if you truly don’t care about your team’s wellbeing, practicing these steps will help you learn more about them as people and soon, you’ll be like the Grinch with the big heart.

Another toxic leadership behavior is having unrealistic expectations of your team’s time, resources, or abilities. I once worked with an organization with ongoing IT issues. It was frustrating for all involved, and efforts were being made to rectify the situation, but the leader was especially unhappy. On one occasion, he was having a bad day already when the CRM went down—again. He freaked out and demanded that a new CRM be installed within 24 hours. This simply wasn’t possible. The organization hadn’t yet vetted alternatives and it takes much longer than 24 hours to complete a project of that scope, yet he was insistent. His team was scrambling. When they told him it wasn’t physically possible to meet his demands, he got even more upset in the moment. Later on, when he had cooled down, he extended his due date, and a new system was successfully installed within that timeframe. Obviously, there’s an emotional intelligence component to this example, but it underscores how unrealistic expectations can negatively impact a team. There was no way his assignment could be completed on time, it caused unnecessary stress on his team, which took them away from their important work, and he was upset. It was a lose-lose situation. 

If your expectations are on the border of realism, first and foremost, you need to understand your team’s abilities, not only from a skill standpoint, but their capacity, as well. This is best done by talking with your people. Be transparent in your vision and goals, share your aspirations for your team and organization, and get on the same page. Ask for their feedback and spark their creativity in creating manageable solutions. And then listen. Be open to feedback, take concerns seriously, and get buy-in by putting their ideas to work. Yes, resources are slim in your organization. But that’s all the more reason to engage with your team and work together toward your mission. The authoritarian approach rarely works, especially when your expectations are…can we just say ridiculous? Seek collaboration, get real, and the rest will follow.

Our final toxic tendency is hot and cold behavior. One day, you’re feeling great, and you desire engagement with your team. You’re friendly, communicating openly with the team, and there’s a bounce in your step. The next day is rough, like a storm cloud is around your head. You are grouchy, don’t even say hello, and have a very negative attitude. On this day, you’re not welcoming toward others and negativity and pessimism have gotten the best of you.

You’re never sure what you’re going to get from day to day from folks with this type of temperament. They’ve burned their team before, and as a result, people are on edge all the time. They can never really relax around this type of leader. A true, secure, collaborative relationship can never be formed because there is a cautious lack of trust.

If you find it difficult to control your emotions at work, start with trying to become more self-aware. When you’re feeling a challenging emotion, whether it’s sadness or frustration or fear or whatever, stop and think about how you feel physically. This will help you learn to more readily identify the feeling in the future and respond in a more measured way. 

Another option is to think about what’s triggering your behavior. Is there something or someone at work or at home who is a stressor, and your mood or behavior are being impacted as a result? Your favorite relaxation exercise could be helpful prior to or after your interactions with them. Mindfulness activities and positive self-talk can also make a real difference.

Please note that I am not a licensed mental health professional. If you feel as though you would benefit from the assistance of one, your health insurance provider or doctor can refer you. Or visit NAMI.org for a directory of resources in your area. 

Nobody looks in the mirror and says, “I’m a toxic leader.” But if you saw a bit of yourself in any of these examples, it might be time for some self-reflection. We all have areas of leadership in need of fine-tuning, and it starts with self-awareness. Leadership professional development opportunities abound, many of which are free. You could also work with an executive coach like me to leverage your strengths to enhance your leadership acumen. Whatever route you take, kudos to you for investing in your professional growth.