The Gift of Saying No

If you’re feeling overloaded, one surefire way to alleviate some pain is to say no. It sounds so simple – No.  Unfortunately, many people have difficulty saying that little word. If you’re one of them, you’re in the right place. 

In today's episode, we explore why people are challenged in saying no, steps to take to feel more comfortable saying it, and questions to ask yourself before saying yes.

Connect with host Jill Fowler on LinkedIn.

This episode was brought to you by Songbird Leadership -- Amplify your organization's mission through outcome-based executive coaching, strategic planning, and capacity building.

Transcript

Thank you for joining us today. I’m your host, Jill Fowler of Songbird Leadership.

If you’re feeling overloaded, one surefire way to alleviate some pain is to say no. It sounds so simple – No.  Unfortunately, many people have difficulty saying that little word. If you’re one of them, you’re in the right place. 

I’m typically pretty comfortable saying no, but looking back on the few times I said yes when I wanted to say (and should have said) no, one time stands out. My boss served on a board and was heavily recruiting me to join. The organization served an important role in the community, but its mission wasn’t close to my heart. I’m the type of person who performs best when I’m passionate about the work and, while I respected the organization, I wasn’t excited about the opportunity. Plus, the board and the executive director had been having some internal challenges, which raised a big red flag for me.

Well, even though my gut was shouting no, I ended up saying yes. I did so primarily out of obligation to my boss, but I also naively thought it could be an interesting challenge. And, boy, was I right about that last part.

As early as my first meeting, there was an explosive disagreement. Every action was met with fighting and drama, and somebody always left the room in a huff. And this culture prevailed on the committee level, too, making it impossible to get anything done. Oh, and did I mention that each meeting lasted for several hours? It was absolutely painful. 

After a year of spending significant time and energy trying to be an engaged member of a truly dysfunctional board, I finally did what I should have done in the first place. I said no and I quit. Yes, I had committed to a term of three years, but the experience was sucking me dry. As a result, I wasn’t serving the organization well and they weren’t serving me well, either.

By saying yes when, deep down, I wanted to say no, I wasted a lot of my personal resources that could have been put to better use. My time could have been spent with my family or practicing self-care. My stress level could have been lower. My energy could have been given to an organization that better fit my interests. It was a lost year.

People have difficulty saying no for a variety of reasons. They may feel guilty or worry about upsetting the person making the request or have concerns about harming their reputation. People earlier in their career may not want to miss an opportunity or upset their boss. Those later in their career may feel heavy responsibility or as though they should be able to truly do it all. Whatever your motivation, learning to say no more often can be a truly freeing experience.  

So, if you want to get better at saying no, start by identifying your values. Make a list of 10 and then narrow it down to the five most important to you. Put them in your phone or on a sticky note on your computer. Memorize them, for these values will become your litmus test in your quest to say no. They are your priorities. Moving forward, use them as a lens through which you view every opportunity that comes your way. If the request aligns with your values, maybe your response should be yes. If it doesn’t, it should probably be no. 

Of course, you’re going to receive a request every now and then that may not coordinate perfectly with your values and there’s still a valid reason to say yes. The key is to make a conscious, informed decision when saying yes. And if you find yourself starting to receive too many requests that don’t align with your values, that could be a sign that you need to take a step back and evaluate your situation. 

Before you even get to the point of saying yes or no, you can proactively set the stage for success by establishing your boundaries up front. Maybe you want no more than three meetings per day, or you prefer a 30-minute buffer between items on your calendar, or you need to leave at 4pm on Tuesdays to go to your kid’s soccer practice. Whatever your personal parameter, make your team aware and consistently stick to it. Over time, it will become the cultural norm.

I used to work with a woman who was always on a quest to set better boundaries in an effort to make her workday a little more manageable. She was quick to try the hot new method, but then didn’t give it enough time to be effective. After a short time, she’d lose patience and try the next shiny thing. After a while, her team was thoroughly confused. Was she time blocking? Task stacking? Using Pomodoro? Something else? It was difficult for them to keep up with the parameter du jour and it ended up costing everyone involved unnecessary time and headache – the very things my coworker sought to avoid in the first place. 

Whatever your boundary and method of maintaining it, be consistent, give it enough time to be effective, and communicate it well with your team. Before you implement, plan out what you’re going to do, how long you will test it, and how you’ll evaluate for success. And maybe involve your team if you can. Ask for their ideas and get their buy in so everyone is in the know and can do their part to support you.

So, how exactly does one say no effectively while making the requestor feel seen, heard, and valued? First and foremost, practice empathy while still prioritizing your own needs. Consider their perspective, acknowledge their request, and express genuine appreciation for their understanding. 

Of course, you also want to be honest about your reason for saying no. It’s not only transparent and gives the other person information so they don’t invent a story in their head, but it also allows you to show some vulnerability in leadership, which is hugely valuable for your relationship. Now, this doesn’t mean you need to give a confidential or deeply personal reason, but something more than, “No,” is appreciated. Something like, “I’m sorry. I can’t attend that meeting because I am just too overloaded today to fully participate, but I know it’s important. How’s next Thursday instead?” will be much better received. It’s true, and by offering an alternative, you’re demonstrating that the ask is important to you, the timing is just off.

When providing context for their “no,” some may worry they’ll look like they’re just making excuses. This is where your authenticity comes in. If you’re honest and you communicate that you truly value the other person and their request, they’ll understand. Maybe I’m a little idealistic in saying that, but if you’re working with people who don’t respect your boundaries, that’s a whole other conversation.

On the flip side, you really don’t have to explain why you’re saying no if you don’t want to. Sometimes, crafting the words for an explanation that will be well-received is just too much when you’re already overloaded. Simply be polite, but firm, in your “no.” You don’t owe them a reason.

Another option is to ask for time in deciding, especially when the ask is significant in some way. Communicate that the request is important to you, and you’d like to commit, you just need a beat to consider whether you’ll be able to commit. Obviously, get back to them with your response promptly. I think 24 hours is a good guideline.

When taking time to weigh your response, ask yourself these questions before saying yes:

-       What is my interest level in this opportunity?

-       How does saying yes align with my personal values?

-       What larger goals am I meeting by saying yes?

-       What am I willing to give up to say yes?

-       How will saying yes help or hurt me?

-       Will saying yes create additional stress or drain my resources? If so, how will I manage that?

I’m all for personal mental reflection, but if you truly have difficulty saying no, I suggest taking a moment to either write down your responses to these questions or discuss them with a trusted advisor. However you prefer to process, make it meaningful to you so you can make the best decision.

Another thing to consider is this: When you say yes to something that you should be saying no to, whether it’s due to lack of time or interest, or a misalignment with your values, you’re probably not going to show up as your best self. In this case, saying no is truly a gift to the requester, for they’ll be able to approach someone else who has more capacity. It’s obviously also a gift to you, for it will alleviate further stress. Win win.

To recap, get in touch with your personal values, set and communicate your boundaries and stick to them, be honest, and show empathy when saying no. That sounds like a lot, but with practice, “no” will happen naturally, and you’ll be well on your way to having a better handle on your time while focusing on your true priorities.

Don’t say no to everything all at once. Try it once. See how it feels. Observe how your time is impacted. Consider how you might tweak your approach. Soon, you’ll be more comfortable saying no while serving your values and operating within your boundaries. I wish you the best with your no.