Thank you for joining us today. I’m your host, Jill Fowler of Songbird Leadership.
Here’s an all-too-common scenario: A leader observes something in a team member that is troubling to them. It could be anything from a performance issue to a style difference to a different approach to a project. Instead of promptly speaking with the individual to learn more about the situation and rectify it, they do everything they can to avoid the person, hoping things will naturally improve. They communicate only via email and only when absolutely necessary, they limit social interaction to basic hellos and goodbyes, if that, and when they do have to be in the same space, it’s awkward. As time passes, the leader grows more and more frustrated, and every little thing the team member does is like another straw to break the camel’s back.
Meanwhile, the team member can feel this tension. Depending in the situation, they may or may not know of the cause of the behavior change, and they may be inventing stories in their head about why the leader is no longer interacting with them. Instead of addressing it, they start second-guessing their own skills and style and withdraw from interaction with the leader. The very act of going to work causes stress and their performance plummets. All of this only exacerbates the original issue. Ultimately, the team member either quits or is let go, and everyone in their network hears about their horrible experience with the leader at the organization.
Obviously, this situation is extreme and there are more complexities than what I described, but it does happen. I have watched it repeatedly over the years in all of my workplaces, and it wastes so much time and energy. It takes attention away from important work and it increases the stress levels of everyone involved. It harms the reputation of both parties, as well as their organization. It also negatively affects those left in the wake of the situation.
The sad thing is that it’s all so unnecessary. This whole situation could have been avoided. Just talk to each other! It sounds simple, but it can be difficult and scary, especially if you’re not used to addressing issues head-on.
So, why do people avoid difficult conversations? The majority of people feel uncomfortable, and they think it feels better to just wait and hope the situation will resolve itself on its own. A subset of these folks may say they don’t have the time. What they don’t realize is that the quote-unquote “painful” conversation is over in a short time, while the ongoing discomfort of the situation itself can last for months. Rip that Band-Aid off.
Others avoid difficult conversations because they are afraid of how the person they’re speaking with will react. It’s unknown and not within their control. What if they get mad? Or cry? Or go bezerk? They may very well do those things. I’ve seen it happen…a lot. And it’s okay if it does. People are human and they may react with emotion. But it doesn’t change the topic of your conversation, which can still be appropriately addressed.
Some people find themselves in a sensitive situation and they don’t want to say the wrong thing or misstep from a legal perspective. This is no reason to let things fester. If you feel you may be in a position with some gray areas legally, consult with your employment lawyer prior to having the conversation. They’ll provide valuable guidance as to how to handle things, and they may even give you language to use.
If you find yourself in a situation requiring a tough conversation, here are a few mistakes you’ll want to avoid. First, obviously, you don’t want to sweep it under the rug and not talk about it. I think I’ve demonstrated why that’s a bad idea for everyone involved.
Another thing to avoid is to have a talk without fully addressing the situation. I once worked in an organization where the Executive Director was new to leadership. “Tony” had complained to her that “Sam” had shared a health update about him with coworkers. (Note that this wasn’t a HIPAA violation.) Tony had been out for surgery and Sam told his team that Tony had gotten an infection while in the hospital and would be out longer than expected. This upset Tony. The Executive Director promptly met with Sam to address Tony’s concerns, but she didn’t share the full nature of the issue. Instead, she said, “Someone on the team is upset that you’re talking about them. It’s making them uncomfortable, so please stop.” And that was it. Sam had no idea what the Director was talking about. What did he say? To whom? About what? Sam asked these questions, but the Director wouldn’t elaborate.
In this situation, the Executive Director left the room thinking she had successfully addressed a personnel issue. Good for her for being prompt and having a conversation, but it wasn’t effective. In fact, it probably did more harm than good because Tony’s concerns weren’t fully addressed, and Sam was left feeling uncomfortable in his interactions with his whole team because he wasn’t given enough information.
Finally, having someone do the dirty work for you may sound like a good idea, but sometimes it’s better just to have the conversation yourself. For instance, if it’s a serious personnel issue, depending on the size of your organization, it may be more appropriate for HR to become involved in the matter. Keep in mind that the involvement of HR sends a strong signal to your team members, so work with them, as appropriate. But if it’s something minor or personal between the two of you, you’re better off having the conversation yourself. It will be much better received, and you’ll make a better connection with the team member.
Name a difficult conversation topic and I have probably talked about it with someone at some point. Serious performance issues after the death of a spouse, drinking while on the job, sexual harassment, body odor issues, please wear an undergarment with that sheer, white blouse…I could go on. It’s never easy. But is should be done, and it does get easier with experience.
So, how to go about having a difficult conversation so that your concern is addressed, and the team member leaves the room feeling seen, heard, and valued? Enter the discussion planner. If you know me, you know I LOVE a good discussion planner. A discussion planner is just that – a worksheet that helps you organize your thoughts pre-discussion, stay on track during the discussion, and have accountability post-discussion. It’s for your eyes only, and it’s a lifesaver. To receive your free copy of my discussion planner, visit songbirdleadership.com/discussion.
Whether you use a formal worksheet or not, you should always walk into a difficult conversation prepared. Before your chat, take some time to review the situation and reflect. What exactly is the situation? Why are you concerned about it? What do you hope to accomplish during the conversation? What background information do you know and what do you still need to learn? What steps will you take to make the other person feel seen, heard, and valued? Think about the conversation from the other person’s perspective. Knowing what you know about them and their style, how can you craft your message to best resonate with them? How might they react to your conversation? Take some time to chart out what you will say and how you will respond to the concerns you expect them to share.
This sounds like a lot of preparation, but it doesn’t take long, and it will help you to effectively resolve things now, so you don’t have to think about it anymore. A little effort up front will help you save a ton of time and energy in the long run.
During the meeting, you’ll want to meet in a private location at a time in which both of you can focus. Share your observations and concerns. Stick to the facts and use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Something like, “I’ve noticed that you’ve come in late every day this week and some calls have gone unanswered as a result. What’s going on?” And then let them talk. Show empathy and practice active listening. Don’t interrupt, make eye contact, nod to show understanding. Ask clarifying questions, if necessary.
Ask them for their ideas for a resolution before offering your own. People are more apt to make lasting change when they chart their own course and make their own goals. Have genuine curiosity and interest and reinforce your commitment to working together to find a solution while maintaining a positive relationship. As the meeting closes, reiterate how you’re going to follow up, if the situation requires.
I mentioned earlier that people sometimes react emotionally to this type of conversation. They may be surprised, hurt, scared, or angry, and these feelings can come out in a variety of ways. I’ve seen lots of tears. I’ve been threatened. I calmed a team member down after they jumped over a table toward their boss. People can be unpredictable and, while some of this is worst case scenario, it does happen. But try not to let it scare you. Just keep your cool, recall your preparation, and stick to the topic at hand. It doesn’t help things if you fly off the handle, too. Pro tip: Have some Kleenex at the ready. It makes things less awkward.
I’ve taken kind of a serious turn here, but I think it’s important to be honest about how things can go a little sideways sometimes. It’s rare, and it shouldn’t stop you from having your talk. Just go in with your eyes open. To that end, I am not an attorney and if your gut says the situation may require it, contact yours.
At the end of the day, you’ll be much better off having the difficult discussion today than stewing about it for weeks or even months while waiting for things to resolve themselves. Because they rarely do and you’re just putting off the inevitable – while becoming stressed out and wasting time in the process. Properly prepare, have a focused and empathetic dialogue, and resolve things TODAY so you can turn your attention back to your important work. It might not be easy, but when it’s done right, you’re saving both time and a relationship. It’s a thing of beauty.